inktomi is everywhere! significant changes since having left (u)penn a few light-hours ago: my nails are flamingo frost [old navy] on nude nude [clinique], my skin feels rejuvenated by a walk through the neighborhood, and i'm wearing my brother's pants again. i've eaten a lot of sashimi, and making lists ith on my mind. no it isn't. for several tiny crumbs of reasons i feel like a terrible, a foolish, and a cumbersome person to be, and a select few will be able to litmus me over spring break. but not really. i will be watching from the sidelines. you could take lots of approaches to understanding why i feel like a terrible person. metaphorically i feel like the empty mussel shell [teehee...are clams alive?] all sharp edged, dirty, two halves making a dark and speckly whole. riiiight. to get obvious about it: so often, i don't do the right thing. soo often. not even the right thing. i don't do the beautiful thing. or the graceful thing. i tell myself to, and then i don't. at the time it's because i don't know what it is, or do a little bit but want to see what happens. the way i walk for instance. just because i have about 10% chance of being graceful doesn't mean that i have to walk like an idiot and hope it becomes graceful perversely. just because i have a tendency to be verbally incoherent doesn't mean i have to have this thesaurus tourette's syndrome. dipping one toe into the murky depths of idiocy and then turning into ... an idiot. yes you can have birkin's "telling way of putting things" and yes dh, it is a millstone. i'm really squishing my ego here...like an orange. the ride home was like, "hey, amal!" "yo rob~" and then the rains began. just-- i wish so much that i could be a little less blind when dealing with people and situations, as dolorous and inky as that sounds. be a little less the person whom i hate and turn my head away from. a lot more the person who really sparkles :^) just get rid of the 'fog' as amal said, and walk out into the pouring rain.