impatience is my big problem (one of them). the cause of insane headaches all throughout high school on lab days. along with my disbelief in cause and effect and precision. if it's not meant to be, forget it. clean up and let's go home. this is coming back to my previous entry. because what i live for is serendipity, which you can't wait for. which is bestowed upon you. so if you insult me with so much as a blink i've already dropped you. if you bore me for as long as a minute i'm already far far away. it's callous and immature i know. but i drive it deeper into myself every time. impatience, the lack of decency. or restraint. i know this in myself and sometimes i find myself speaking already from those places. far away and looming above. already with head in the clouds, trying to move on. and then i get stricken by guilt. "what happens if one is not nice to the young man..." which is not quite the same. but echoing residual of my life always. cloying and immature.

i feel (just now) like a sieve. because...i only hold what is significant in my arms. and the subtleties around me drain away. and the people that i love drain away... i always played subtleties because i never saw the value of the sweeping, the brash. but slowly maybe i have to remember to be grateful. sweepingly and brashly so - for everything i drop or run from. i have to try... :^)

the hardest book i've ever read (as had zeve): the god of small things.
the omg fantabulous book/series i just remembered about just now...cheese party at swarthmore sometime last year: ooh la la max in love
yo and i bought glasses today...YO!