friends again? buk buk, like, didn’t even feel like writing let alone thinking earlier on in the night, but kind of a compulsion to do anything which will draw on, even if only for a few more feet, some kind of brain wave. talked to an old friend, as always more like mostly listened and dry chuckled in disbelief, occasional affirmation in my most limbo backwards leaning voice. which i don’t like but am in practice for. why i practice this with him, i have an idea. and of course...there's always situational change which occurs, while still skeletal unpried friendship is preserved behind. i think this is true. but friendship which is not genuine by the standards that other friendships seem to conform to. purely a skeleton, then; with the bones of interaction and sentiment which hold other relationships together but not the sinew or jibang to make something whole and appreciable and 'ahhh such good friends we are'. probably this is a momentary aspersion. why i befriend people who have some congruent plane as me, because then what i forgive in myself is what i forgive in them. or what i can see in potential different jo-selves is what i can forgive and see in them, and just let it chill.

at the same time though, haven't found a good way to speed up this tolerance, this gracious and airy blanket of niceness which i can always grant to certain people (like the aforementioned) when it should be elsewhere (who knows where, in this current fog of torched bewilderment and hurt and argh-ness not ahhh-ness) and i know this is an attitude i’ll abandon, like, SO shortly; once i have some more needless possessions, cool shoes, and smiling faces around me (if i figure out how to make this stupid book cover!) THEN i will realize how bitter bilious and how unwarranted this whole fortnight’s (11week) attitude has been. if it has been at all. which i don't think is true.

i actually did DO things today, which i have kind of gotten out of the habit of writing about. like, okay, i went to the mall today! 2x. abercrombie always has much more awesome and thoughtful stuff for fall/winter like yummy shirts with yummy fruit on them as a monogram, which is so [head buried somewhere sad and invisible] good. mom said, "they should be ladybugs" which surprised me. man. early on i was so a&f disciple and then not so much and now just feel too bad about it being to expensive ("overpriced") and so layered ("overpriced") that i don't think i have the right to even look. i did not Work this summer. just adjusted my timezones and languagezones. in retrospect like, fine, but a lot less fine than it seemed in prospect.

also i tried tanning on my deck today, which definitely worked, mad props to UV rays and maybe i can do it again tomorrow, though probably having my uncle here will preclude quite that amount of walking around the house wearing just a dotted line for decency...