sleeping finally has made me just feel more drawn to my bed than ever, though it's noon on a saturday and that ought to make perfect sense in this best of all possible worlds...despite the ignominy of 'collapsing' after a long week and a chamber music recital. there are probably stages to fatigue and reported fatigue - here the pinnacle seems to be never acknowledging it. but i spoil myself on sleep, unfortunately, and also not good for this my bounding off of some terrible dark mental virus lately, and failing midterms [and subsequently neglecting to pick up said midterms], the accounts of faraway friends. but yeah...yesterday i finally finished this paper, which i'd link to except it's too silly to even mention. then chicken-apple-corn ravel-beethoven-dohnanyi-haydn with manoj and veronica, long empathic session with suyash. which is reassuring. because with people i'm entirely familiar with, let's say 'friends', i lose some facet of that 'empathy' or politeness which i accord everyone else that i only really know to nod to. and why i'm so much better at new people than old. in a similar story, i think i feel constantly apologetic for being eternally taken for granted. my unwillingness to ever blame or lose someone through anger when, no doubt, more work or less humanity on my part could leave things safe. my goodwill teeters at the recollection of this memory or that...i think i need a friend.